Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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