Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
