If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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