you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Randomize
