My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I'm sobbing to NWA
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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