Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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