Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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