Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
