Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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