Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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