A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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