My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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