Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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