they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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