I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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