I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
