It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize