thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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