I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
