I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
