A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
