He is such a slut. More and more my type.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Your topless pictures make me question reality
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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