the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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