just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
our cab driver is having phone sex.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize