I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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