I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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