Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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