My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Randomize
