When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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