can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
This is my gift to your gina
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
