You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
as a side note pls kill me
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
