...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
