She is in my trunk
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
