I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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