Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I deserve to be covered in dicks
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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