What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
