Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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