Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize