I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
