saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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