I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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