If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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