I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
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