Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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