Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
