This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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