Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize