Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
