Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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