Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
