did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
