checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize