we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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