i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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