My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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