Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
