there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
