Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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