u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
