dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize