I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
