Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just gift wrapped bread.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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