OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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