she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Randomize